MY TEARS WERE EXHAUSTED, I COULDN’T CRY AGAIN…                   By: Asekhamhe Vinson Osikpemhi.

The summer holiday was getting bored and resumption was close at hand. I couldn’t wait because I’ll be in final year. The benefits kept me anxious- full corner space, executive positions, etc. That very Tuesday, I had decided to visit Jerry my boyfriend. He convinced me to spend the whole day with him since we were having fun, viewing movies and eating all kinds of junks.

Towards evening when we had just finished eating scotched eggs, we laid on the bed viewing the popular movie- FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, then Jerry rolled closer and kissed my forehead. He went down to my lips and I shivered. I was breathing fast, still viewing the movie, I reciprocated. Everything seemed so fast. I wanted the adventure as it was my first time, and probably Jerry’s too. The movie kept on playing without an attentive audience. Where were we? We were almost naked, “having fun”. He looked me in the eyes and said “Baby can I go in?” I didn’t understand what he was saying and I replied with a smile. He returned my smile with a kiss of gratitude. What for? Just before I could whisper three powerful words, he was down. I could feel it. He was going inside me. I felt something broken- just what other girls say, “and then I lost it.” It was pleasurable at first but while he came up, I saw mum’s face, and her favourite warning of giving my virginity to my husband as his wedding gift. Was Jerry going to be my husband? Oh no! I lamented silently, I had lost it. I couldn’t cry. I saw my world going down…

The night was cold. It had just stopped raining and the streets glimmered as the moonlight and stars reflected on them. I was standing on the curb of the sidewalk under a streetlight. I had my white umbrella balanced under my palm. I check my watch. It was growing late but I didn't want to go home but by some instinct, I went. I entered the house and the strong tension hit me like a wave. I could hear my mum and dad fighting in the kitchen. It wasn't their first fight. Frank, My little brother was sitting in the living room, staring at the TV with a dark screen. I asked him what was going on but he never responded. I sat next to him and he immediately wrapped him arms around me.

The fight was hot I couldn’t say a word. Frank leaned on me, wanting the fight to end and just then mum’s last words were “You can go to hell.” Dad immediately threw a stool close by to her and it hit her head. It was tough. The whole world was silent for a while. I imagined a slow-motion shock. We rushed her to the hospital and the doctors assured us that they were going to do their best. Dad paced round the hospital like he never committed the crime. And just then, the doctor came with gloomy face saying; “We tried our best but…” “No!” I shouted, gripping dad’s shirt. I didn’t allow the doctors say- “We lost her.” Mum was gone- my hope and shield. Just one night I had lost my two most valued assets. I cried my life out but I had to console Frank.

By some ways I don’t know, dad didn’t go to jail. He was always in one meeting or another. He never had time for us. He was so busy that he didn’t notice there were changes in my look and me being sick. I wish mum was alive. The house was seeming empty; that feminine structure was missing. I went back to school in a sad mood, crying daily not just for mum’s death but for not fulfilling her wish.

It was after 1 month when I rushed out of my room to throw up that it dawned on me that I was pregnant. I called Jerry and guess what he said? Surely what you think- “I was stupid.” He claimed he was not responsible. He became unreachable afterwards. I was dumbfounded. What happened to all the love promises?  I couldn’t cry again, my tears were almost exhausted.

I got some much needed help since I never wanted to have the baby. Funke my roommate gave me some liquid to drink but it seemed sweet, it didn’t work. My stomach was getting bigger like I had over-fed, when I barely had appetite for meals. Another “caring” roommate gave me some pills to take but after taking them, I felt the highest pain all my life. I fell down rolling painfully, which was all I could remember. The next place I saw myself was the hospital lying helplessly with Dad by my side. I was ashamed to look at his face, I wanted to talk but the word would not come out. Tears flowed freely from my eyes as I looked at the ceiling, remembering mum’s warning. Now it was too late and to think of the fact that I tried to abort the pregnancy; kill an innocent child makes me weak. I have no choice than to deliver the baby.

A pregnant student I would become, a mother to a fatherless baby. I felt the whole world was against me. Mum was gone, I had lost my dignity as a woman, and school was almost a done deal. Was anyone going to father my unborn baby? In the midst of my thoughts- my phone rang with a different tune, who changed it? My new tune was Philip Bliss’s song, IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL. It reminded me that everything will be fine. Just then dad sighed and walked out saying: It is well, even in the well.

It has been 8 months, 364 days since I’ve been carrying this baby and the doctors say I will give birth tomorrow. Now what do I call the child? Hmm… It is well…