DEAF DATE

After freshening up twice and applying 5 different deodorants I had borrowed, I used my tounge scrapper, just in case I got a kiss, tried ten different bow ties before selecting one, and came out.

Suddenly I remembered I had forgotten something; condoms. I dashed back and took 4 different ones, just in case em… nevermind.

Sarah came out of her hostel and I held her hands proudly, led her into the arranged cab and we zoomed off.

“Hi” she said. It was the first time I had heard her speak. Sarah was a new student with a smooth fair skin like an overripe pawpaw.

For four months I wasn’t bold enough to talk to her because of the queue of guys who admired her. So Celine my roommate had to help me.

As we entered the eatery, the security man ushered us to a free table even though it no reservation was made. Surely we looked like a high class couple.

The waiter brought the menu and I gave it to Sarah to make her choice. She grabbed it and stared for a while before pointing to an item.

“This one, is what I will eat starch. Fine boy shey you eat starch na or is you ajebutter bread?
I was dumbfounded. Was this her real English?
Oya oya do fast oh, me is hungrying here. She shouted.

Just then, the waiter brought her meal and she gently rolled the starch into ten smooth balls, smoother than I would roll my Santana and began taking them one after the other. She looked at me and said
“You will nor eat, or is you fasting? You is pastor? My boyfriend is pastor too o, we even haf hallnight today.

Oh No! I said, “You should be called JENIFA”.

THE UNGODLY JOB

We gallantly stormed into THE PAVILLION Night Club like the YBNL crew guys in Lagos Boys video with our fitted nice white T-shirts, blank pants, red sneakers and shades, and took our seats at a free spot. It was my first time of going to a bar. My friends had persuaded me to unwind and forget all the issues at home.

“Make your order guys on me” Dan announced as we watched the pretty girls dancing on stage.

Soon, bottles of different shapes and sizes filled our table as if competing for the Headies award. Pretty girls on bum shots and armless tops short enough to reveal their belly buttons trooped to our table.

My friends had them two each while an innocent me just kept staring at the waitress.
I couldn’t see her clearly as she backed us. Her shapes were perfect. Even in her loose gown, her curves came out clearly. She occasionally turned her neck to allow her long hair dangle from side to side. Just as I kept on admiring her, one of the dancing girls came to me in a seducing manner and sat on my laps.

“Hi Handsome.” She said, running her hands through my face. I felt like I was having a cold bath in harmattan.

Before I could say “Hello”, she has removed the cigarette stick from her mouth and placed it on mine. Was that supposed to be a kiss? I thought. Somehow, I didn’t cough, for a first time and pretended to be a “bad guy.”

My eyes still followed every movement of the pretty waitress who wouldn’t turn to face us. I was bent on seeing her face and saying “hello’ before leaving.  As if God was listening to my prayers, Dan announced that he had ordered some barbeque. At least that would bring the waitress to or table.

I quickly repositioned making the hot girl relax well on my legs so I could look more like a “bad guy” and held my cigarette firmly while shifting more bottles to my side like I had drank them all.
Soonest, the waitress arrived and she tapped me to say;
“Sir, here’s your meal”
I turned like Don Jazzy and was just about saying “Hello Beautiful” when she shouted: “Osazemwen!” who dare called me my native name in school?
Behold, it was Mum! And this was the ungodly job..