DEAF DATE

After freshening up twice and applying 5 different deodorants I had borrowed, I used my tounge scrapper, just in case I got a kiss, tried ten different bow ties before selecting one, and came out.

Suddenly I remembered I had forgotten something; condoms. I dashed back and took 4 different ones, just in case em… nevermind.

Sarah came out of her hostel and I held her hands proudly, led her into the arranged cab and we zoomed off.

“Hi” she said. It was the first time I had heard her speak. Sarah was a new student with a smooth fair skin like an overripe pawpaw.

For four months I wasn’t bold enough to talk to her because of the queue of guys who admired her. So Celine my roommate had to help me.

As we entered the eatery, the security man ushered us to a free table even though it no reservation was made. Surely we looked like a high class couple.

The waiter brought the menu and I gave it to Sarah to make her choice. She grabbed it and stared for a while before pointing to an item.

“This one, is what I will eat starch. Fine boy shey you eat starch na or is you ajebutter bread?
I was dumbfounded. Was this her real English?
Oya oya do fast oh, me is hungrying here. She shouted.

Just then, the waiter brought her meal and she gently rolled the starch into ten smooth balls, smoother than I would roll my Santana and began taking them one after the other. She looked at me and said
“You will nor eat, or is you fasting? You is pastor? My boyfriend is pastor too o, we even haf hallnight today.

Oh No! I said, “You should be called JENIFA”.

THE UNGODLY JOB

We gallantly stormed into THE PAVILLION Night Club like the YBNL crew guys in Lagos Boys video with our fitted nice white T-shirts, blank pants, red sneakers and shades, and took our seats at a free spot. It was my first time of going to a bar. My friends had persuaded me to unwind and forget all the issues at home.

“Make your order guys on me” Dan announced as we watched the pretty girls dancing on stage.

Soon, bottles of different shapes and sizes filled our table as if competing for the Headies award. Pretty girls on bum shots and armless tops short enough to reveal their belly buttons trooped to our table.

My friends had them two each while an innocent me just kept staring at the waitress.
I couldn’t see her clearly as she backed us. Her shapes were perfect. Even in her loose gown, her curves came out clearly. She occasionally turned her neck to allow her long hair dangle from side to side. Just as I kept on admiring her, one of the dancing girls came to me in a seducing manner and sat on my laps.

“Hi Handsome.” She said, running her hands through my face. I felt like I was having a cold bath in harmattan.

Before I could say “Hello”, she has removed the cigarette stick from her mouth and placed it on mine. Was that supposed to be a kiss? I thought. Somehow, I didn’t cough, for a first time and pretended to be a “bad guy.”

My eyes still followed every movement of the pretty waitress who wouldn’t turn to face us. I was bent on seeing her face and saying “hello’ before leaving.  As if God was listening to my prayers, Dan announced that he had ordered some barbeque. At least that would bring the waitress to or table.

I quickly repositioned making the hot girl relax well on my legs so I could look more like a “bad guy” and held my cigarette firmly while shifting more bottles to my side like I had drank them all.
Soonest, the waitress arrived and she tapped me to say;
“Sir, here’s your meal”
I turned like Don Jazzy and was just about saying “Hello Beautiful” when she shouted: “Osazemwen!” who dare called me my native name in school?
Behold, it was Mum! And this was the ungodly job..

MY AMANDA... (Funningly Touching Story)

  MY AMANDA...

By: Asekhamhe Vinson Osikpemhi.

As I mature, I have grown to understand that every day is not the same. Surely everyone has that special day he/she cannot forget. For some of us there are days we can never forget; for me, Nov. 9^th, 2014, is one of those days.

I woke up to a Sunday of expectations going for early morning mass in my favourite Burberry shirt amidst compliments from numerous admirers- yes I have numerous admirers. What do you expect from a loyal handsome guy?

However, as a guy I had my hierarchy of female friends. Hence none of the compliments touched me the way Amanda’s compliment did. Amanda had been my 1^st crush in the University, my long time crush. In fact the length of my crush for her is longer than some people’s relationship. Yet I had endured. I was comfortable with the fact that She was my crush or I was her crush, anyway you like it! While people were proud of their girlfriends or partners, I was proud of my crush.

Her beauty defined my moments; anytime she stood inches close to me, my spirit knew unending peace and Joy. I was happy for no reason. She had a full dimple on her right cheek that I have always longed to poke; to dig as if there my heart lies.

So that morning when she came to me flashing that smile that had once made me hit my head against a pillar 6 months back, I shivered and comported myself, adjusting my already adjusted shirt.

“Sweetheart you look good, nice shirt”

“Chai!” I said to myself, blushing codedly.

I wished she meant it when she called me sweetheart. Was it real or just casual? If it was casual, then she had abused the word because I called her my sweetheart only when I was alone, during those personal moments when I would think of her before sleeping.

“Thank You dearie” I said cheerfully, slightly bowing my head.

I couldn’t face her, I was too shy to. That was the different in our “Crush-ship”.  While couples had confidence being with their partners, Amanda’s presence brought sweet uneasiness to me; the type that comes when you are 2 minutes from winning a football game.

The rest of the day was usual. In school I didn’t follow the normal law which says; “An Average Nigerian eats Rice on Sunday.” So after mass I ate the remaining pottage of Saturday night and laid on my bed listening to gospel jamz waiting for manna to fall.

At about 4pm, I was in a music concert when my phone vibrated. I shouldn’t have taken the call but the caller wasn’t like other callers- it was Amanda. I rushed out of the concert hall like one who was pressed, signaling to the ushers that I was about peeing on my body. She wanted me to accompany her to the market but I couldn’t. We just arrived at the concert so I couldn’t leave. She however agreed to get me some Carrot and Onions as I requested.

At about 7pm, she called again. MTN must have wondered why I happily answered this particular caller. She was back from the market and wanted me to come and get my “goods”. I came out happily after spraying my favourite “Happinex Body Spray” with the expectation of receiving a #100 worth of Carrot and Onions but I was wrong. She presented me a bag filled with fried rice ingredients and refused to collect a dime.  I was wowed and I immediately gave her a big fat hug without thinking about it and promised to cook fried  rice that night.

“Hope You’ll eat?” I asked happily.

“Yes” She replied, smiling gently.

That was it, my dream. This was a test of my crush for her. I dashed immediately to one of the stores at the back gate to get a kilo of chicken. Even though I was not financially buoyant at that time, I would do anything to please Amanda.

Beads of sweat filled my eyebrows as I cooked like I was in a cooking competition. To the surprise of my roommates, I used both corners of the room, making use of the two stoves.

I employed all the skills I had learnt from home, chopping the carrot and other ingredients carefully; all to please Amanda.

What else? My room was filled with Aroma as my roommates kept wondering what occasion the special meal was for.

In no time I was done- Fried rice, chicken and fried plantain. Just what Amanda liked. I packaged hers in a beautiful flask, one that I seldom used. At about 9:15pm, I called Amanda telling here I was done cooking and was on my way to her hostel. But she declined and said she was already full and felling sleepy.

What??? I pray oooo…. I begged her, convinced her and explained that I was already done and then she agreed to come out. I arrived her hostel and called her and she said she was coming. I waited though shy but anxiously happy to present to Amanda, a sign of my crush and fidelity- a faithful crusher I’ll become.

After about 15minutes, she sent me a text which read:

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry, I can’t come out again,

I’m tired and no one is willing to follow me out.

I’m sorry, see you tomorrow.

Just ike that??? Funny enough after reading the text,  her phone became switched off. NO! NO!! No!!!, I mumbled as I walked back to my hostel just like Lot without looking back. I got to my room still with my flask, to the surprise of my roommates who asked:

“Ah bros wetin happen now?

“Mstcheww:” I hissed.

“Make una chop jare” I angrily and slowly sai as I dropped the flask to those hngry lions like the ones in the bible that attacked Daniel’s enemies.

How on earth would I forget such a day?

Who dey follow Amanda laff???

EKEHUAN PEOPLES AND CULTURE

THINKING OF EKEHUAN CAMPUS???

 LEARN ABOUT EKEHUAN PEOPLES AND CULTURE....

By: Asekhamhe Vinson Osikpemhi...

In the heartbeat of the ancient city of Benin, the capital of the heartbeat of Nigeria, lies a beautiful world of its own, a serene and perfect academic cum social environment – The Ekehuan road campus of the University of Benin popularly referred to as E.K. City.

Lest I forget, the University of Benin has two campuses, Ugbowo and Ekehuan; with the former being the main campus. However, there is more to Ekehuan than being just a “small” campus with four departments. It is agreeable that the right combination of people could yield a positive result even though the population is low. Such is the case here. A combination of Theatre Artists, Mass Communicators, Fine Artists and Education students will certainly yield the best of Academic cum Social Life. So academically, socially and even religiously, E.K. City stands out.

As expected, different kinds of people make up the over 1000 students in this campus. Over time, I have been carefully studying the various kinds of people and their lifestyle on campus. Ranging from the “Jackophites” to the “Spirikokos.”

The first group of people I’ll examine are the Jackophites. Ordinarily, one would expect a student to always study but in Ekehuan Campus, and perhaps in most Universities, studying seems to be left for some special people, who take reading as their profession on campus. These set of people are always seen with their books from Sunday to Saturday, with little or no time to relax.

I had once come across a boy talking to himself on his ways to the bathroom, perhaps trying to remember what he memorised and just then he past the bathroom and was going towards the back gate holding a soap-can with a towel hung around his neck. That’s how far these Jackophites can go. Night class seems to be their second room. In fact many spend more hours of the day in class than in their room. Fair enough but however, what bothers me is the fact that many go to class with over five big textbooks as if going to open a library in class. Long stockings cover their hairy legs not really because of the usually cold night, but against the attack of giant “Ninja Mosquitoes” who are a major component of E.K. City and after hours of fighting with one page of their the textbook, hopelessly they spread their wrappers, turn their books into pillows and sleep like every other “unserious student” in the hostel. As early as 6:00am they are up, packing their books again to their hostels amidst chants of “Jackophites” even though they battled with just one page of their book.

Another category of people in E.K. City are the religious people popularly referred to as “Spirikokos”. One amazing characteristic of students in Ekehuan Campus is that 97% of the total population belong to one fellowship or the other even though a very good number attend just once a semester probably when there is an occasion that involves refreshment.

In spite of this, there is a very important group of people that attend fellowship more than they attend lectures and spend a lengthy part of their night in the supposed volleyball court which has been changed by these people to a prayer ground. Others pray round the campus, speaking in tongues. Most of them extend this religious nature to their rooms and classes, turning the room to a church even when other roommates are asleep as well as “yawning in tongues”. Imagine somebody wakes up and yawns speaking in tongue. Lol... some highly fanatical ones tend to describe anything that is not church-inclined as sinful or as my friend would say, “Canal” leaving their roommates as victims. So when coming to E.K. City, wish not to have a spirikoko as a roommate.

As a campus filled with sculptural works, courtesy of fine artists, it is no surprise that the sculptural works play hosts to lovers at night. This brings us to the next group of people called the “Corror Masters”. To every E.K. City student, “Corror” is a term used to describe a quiet place for lovers. The constant patronisers of these ”corrors” are referred to as “Corror Masters”. these people range from couples to friends with benefit or even the popular cliché- “Just Friends” who take romantic strolls to the Education Department, Library and Library Annex premises, Petroleum Engineering building and the back of numerous Sculptural works especially the famous “Mama Ekehuan Sculpture”. What they do remain unknown to us though, who knows? It could just be tutorials. Lol...

As in every community, there is usually a group of people called the “Busy Bodies” which I would like to classify alongside “Party Freaks”. These people mainly ladies are always at the forefront of every party on campus with their bum-shots and armless tops. You will certainly see these people at blasts, birthday parties within and outside the campus, at every sound of music, or just strolling with any willing friend.

One very important group of people you must take note of are the “Caucus”- what a friend of mine would refer to as the “Ekehuan Stakeholders”. This group consist of mainly final year politicians and a few politicians from other levels. All they sincerely demand is loyalty since they can boast of political power to determine who gets a political position. They are usually very busy during election periods, meeting with various aspirants especially from Ugbowo campus seeking the support and votes from their “newly found sister Campus”. You see, during elections, Ekehuan and Ugbowo are one, after that they are whatever you think they are.

These stakeholders usually have nicknames which must be called at the introduction of any political meeting. You hear names like the Tony Annenih of Ekehuan Campus, Honourable this and Comrade that, etc.

For a fresher coming to Ekehuan Campus with a political ambition, you just might have to be familiar with the “Ekehuan Stakeholders”.

Personally I don’t like too much seriousness in whatever I do; I would rather prefer a friendly and jovial approach to issues. This explains why I must talk about this wonderful humorous group of people called “Bobo Masters”. Confused? Never mind, its one those E.K. City terms. “Bobo” often referred to as “washing” simply means exaggerating the truth or rather “Over-exaggerating” a fact. Not everyone is a star in this field, hence the term “Bobo Masters”. For instance a guy walks pass his firends to class with his bag and maybe holding a book and they start shouting: “Scholari, Aristotle, Jackophite...” “We know say you don finish that book cover to cover, 6 times”, “abeg make I dey with you na”.

Or in a situation where you are properly dressed, like really dressed applying the rules of fashion and a friend stops you and gives you some lines. “See your N50, 000 shirt, chai! Everything whe you wear na 1 million.” “Bros make I clean your shoe na”.

Many other scenarios may warrant “washing or boboing” just like an unbelievable scene I witnessed where two friends lay on a lawn claiming to be greeting each other, waiting for the first to rise up.

For you coming to E.K.City for the first time, don’t be surprised to be the next bobo victim and don’t get too carried away when they say you are beautiful or handsome, it may just be bobo.

Now amongst all these categories of people, there is also a very important category of people who have little of all these features in them. They are the “Average Students”.  They are religious, mini-jackophites, party like once in a blue moon, socialise freely, participate in politics and sports, and even join in fulfilling the “Bobo Theory”. They do not go to the extreme in anything even in their studies, and are comfortable with their simple lives. Maybe you should identify with them when you come.

The last group I should talk about are the Aliens. Yes I call them aliens because somehow, they are students of Ekehuan Campus, but you may just be seeing them for the first time in 2-3 years. Some may even be your classmates yet you would get to know in subsequent levels. Others may consequently be absent from lectures and surface on examination day.

Some others do not belong to any organisation, not even fellowship. They don’t attend lectures, and when they do, they don’t say anything neither do they participate in group work. As a group leader, I was shocked when someone walked up to me two days to the production and said “I am your group member”.

So don’t be surprised when people say you are course mates and you are just seeing them in 200l or even final year especially Mass Communication students.

Naturally Ekehuan Campus is a fun-filled place, filled with different kind of people ranging from people who have made the common room their homes, to those who belong to almost all societies on campus yet they never get tired.

It also consist of funny staff ranging from potters who take delight in seizing your “HP”, HP does not mean your HP laptop here, but means your Hot-Plate; and find Joy in shouting at those beautiful daughters of Margaret Ekpo who delight in visiting the cute sons of Nelson Mandela before 4:00pm on weekdays.   “Hello is it 4’oclock yet? Are you a male or a female?”; to those funny lecturers whose lectures are amazingly funny, interesting and “crazy”. Be ready for the assignments that can make you run mad and which of course you will be grateful for, someday.

E.K. City also consists of beautiful and attractive spots including the front of girls’ hostel which is the meeting/waiting point for couples, friends, etc. And always filled with romantic goodbye scenes especially at night or at that awkward moment when a car drops off that girl you’ve been eyeing.

Lest I forget, to the guys, “thou shall not approach an E.K. City girl empty handed.” Thank God for close by Mat-Ice, utilise it. You could even visit Lucky’s Mishai or Dan’s Pop corn. Don’t place too much hope on the only ATM machine on campus; it just might disappoint you at the eleventh hour.

Most importantly, enjoy your four years on E.K. City, visit everywhere; Night class, volleyball court and once in a while, shake body.

MY TEARS WERE EXHAUSTED, I COULDN’T CRY AGAIN…                   By: Asekhamhe Vinson Osikpemhi.

The summer holiday was getting bored and resumption was close at hand. I couldn’t wait because I’ll be in final year. The benefits kept me anxious- full corner space, executive positions, etc. That very Tuesday, I had decided to visit Jerry my boyfriend. He convinced me to spend the whole day with him since we were having fun, viewing movies and eating all kinds of junks.

Towards evening when we had just finished eating scotched eggs, we laid on the bed viewing the popular movie- FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, then Jerry rolled closer and kissed my forehead. He went down to my lips and I shivered. I was breathing fast, still viewing the movie, I reciprocated. Everything seemed so fast. I wanted the adventure as it was my first time, and probably Jerry’s too. The movie kept on playing without an attentive audience. Where were we? We were almost naked, “having fun”. He looked me in the eyes and said “Baby can I go in?” I didn’t understand what he was saying and I replied with a smile. He returned my smile with a kiss of gratitude. What for? Just before I could whisper three powerful words, he was down. I could feel it. He was going inside me. I felt something broken- just what other girls say, “and then I lost it.” It was pleasurable at first but while he came up, I saw mum’s face, and her favourite warning of giving my virginity to my husband as his wedding gift. Was Jerry going to be my husband? Oh no! I lamented silently, I had lost it. I couldn’t cry. I saw my world going down…

The night was cold. It had just stopped raining and the streets glimmered as the moonlight and stars reflected on them. I was standing on the curb of the sidewalk under a streetlight. I had my white umbrella balanced under my palm. I check my watch. It was growing late but I didn't want to go home but by some instinct, I went. I entered the house and the strong tension hit me like a wave. I could hear my mum and dad fighting in the kitchen. It wasn't their first fight. Frank, My little brother was sitting in the living room, staring at the TV with a dark screen. I asked him what was going on but he never responded. I sat next to him and he immediately wrapped him arms around me.

The fight was hot I couldn’t say a word. Frank leaned on me, wanting the fight to end and just then mum’s last words were “You can go to hell.” Dad immediately threw a stool close by to her and it hit her head. It was tough. The whole world was silent for a while. I imagined a slow-motion shock. We rushed her to the hospital and the doctors assured us that they were going to do their best. Dad paced round the hospital like he never committed the crime. And just then, the doctor came with gloomy face saying; “We tried our best but…” “No!” I shouted, gripping dad’s shirt. I didn’t allow the doctors say- “We lost her.” Mum was gone- my hope and shield. Just one night I had lost my two most valued assets. I cried my life out but I had to console Frank.

By some ways I don’t know, dad didn’t go to jail. He was always in one meeting or another. He never had time for us. He was so busy that he didn’t notice there were changes in my look and me being sick. I wish mum was alive. The house was seeming empty; that feminine structure was missing. I went back to school in a sad mood, crying daily not just for mum’s death but for not fulfilling her wish.

It was after 1 month when I rushed out of my room to throw up that it dawned on me that I was pregnant. I called Jerry and guess what he said? Surely what you think- “I was stupid.” He claimed he was not responsible. He became unreachable afterwards. I was dumbfounded. What happened to all the love promises?  I couldn’t cry again, my tears were almost exhausted.

I got some much needed help since I never wanted to have the baby. Funke my roommate gave me some liquid to drink but it seemed sweet, it didn’t work. My stomach was getting bigger like I had over-fed, when I barely had appetite for meals. Another “caring” roommate gave me some pills to take but after taking them, I felt the highest pain all my life. I fell down rolling painfully, which was all I could remember. The next place I saw myself was the hospital lying helplessly with Dad by my side. I was ashamed to look at his face, I wanted to talk but the word would not come out. Tears flowed freely from my eyes as I looked at the ceiling, remembering mum’s warning. Now it was too late and to think of the fact that I tried to abort the pregnancy; kill an innocent child makes me weak. I have no choice than to deliver the baby.

A pregnant student I would become, a mother to a fatherless baby. I felt the whole world was against me. Mum was gone, I had lost my dignity as a woman, and school was almost a done deal. Was anyone going to father my unborn baby? In the midst of my thoughts- my phone rang with a different tune, who changed it? My new tune was Philip Bliss’s song, IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL. It reminded me that everything will be fine. Just then dad sighed and walked out saying: It is well, even in the well.

It has been 8 months, 364 days since I’ve been carrying this baby and the doctors say I will give birth tomorrow. Now what do I call the child? Hmm… It is well…